Keeping Score
by LJG
Summary: Gapfiller for episode 214. Justin and Brian are driving each other nuts over Justin's new job, but after each has a weird night, they reach a new understanding in their relationship. Enjoy! I hope you'll let me know what you thought.


"I have fucking had it with this." Brian Kinney mumbled under his breath, aware that he was talking to himself and not really caring. "He's taking the goddamn money and that is the end of it." Brian toyed briefly with the idea of simply paying the fees and presenting Justin with a fait accompli. It was tempting, but he knew the kid would be livid over it. Christ, Brian Kinney was actually trying to avoid someone else's wrath instead of the other way around - the way it should be. It drove him nuts, but the fact was that he cared. He didn't like to acknowledge it, even to himself, but there it was and there was no getting around it.

Though he might not know a lot about relationships or communicating, he certainly knew how to tell when someone was in over their head, and Justin was barely treading water in Brian's opinion. He didn't know what was worse, having Justin sleep through classes like the other morning, or finding him passed out at his computer desk after catching up on school-work all night, like today. He had decided to call Justin on it this morning in what he thought was a rather diplomatic way.

"You're going to fucking blow it, Justin." Okay, so maybe diplomacy wasn't his forte.

"Excuse me?" The kid was now scrambling to get ready for school, looking like he'd had about four hours sleep in as many days.

"There _is_ no excuse - not when I'm prepared to help you."

"Brian, please...I don't have time for this right now." Justin was struggling to pack his work away in its case.

"I thought you had a plan. Focus on a computer animation career with a sideline of your own thing?" Brian might not always give indication of it, but he was a careful listener, with a good memory. "I fail to see how being up all night, every night, is conducive to your goals."

"I still have my goals, but the plan of how to achieve them had to change, ok?" Justin was almost out the door and he was tired of leaving the loft mid-fight these days. "Shit happens."

"Maybe so, but it doesn't have to happen to you." Brian shook his head and poured some juice. "I'm sure you have your reasons for refusing - there's even a chance they are good ones I suppose, but maybe you need to re-prioritize."

Justin simply didn't have the time or inclination to listen to any more, but hated parting on a downer note - again. He sighed. "Have a good day, Brian. I'll see you later."

Brian stood there a moment, the bang of the door echoing in the quiet loft. "What - no kiss?" He laughed at himself a little. He had to; the less funny things became, the more important it was to be able to laugh at them.

Standing here now, watching Emmett masturbate for the camera one last time, Brian couldn't summon any jocularity, and it certainly was needed. Justin was late and that was a common occurrence these days. He'd called Justin's cell earlier and offered to pick him up from school so he'd have time before Emmett's party for a quick nap - and for once Brian didn't intend that to be a euphemism. However, the artist had a group project he needed to spend time on, so he said he'd meet Brian at Ted's office.

Neither man had mentioned the incident from the other morning yet. Comparing Brian to Justin's father in any way had been hitting below the belt big time, on many fronts - not the least of which was Brian's age issue. He loathed having the age difference pointed out. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. On occasion he loved it because it showed how hot he still was, if he'd captivated such a good-looking twink. However, that twink was going to age pretty quickly if he maintained his current pace. Brian knew better than anyone how driven Justin could be when he set his mind on something and apparently he'd set his mind on going to school and becoming independently ...well, not wealthy, but at least solvent.

Brian surreptitiously looked at his watch again. Justin should have been here by now. Actually, he should really just be going home to catch up on what little schoolwork and rest that he could; Brian knew that. However, given how fond the young man was of Emmett, Brian also knew that there was no way Justin was going to miss sending their friend off in style.

In the middle of Brian's musing the studio door opened and a sheepish looking Justin crept in and put his gift with the others. He then walked over to where his lover stood, trying to appear as though he hadn't been watching the door and hadn't noticed the young man's arrival.

"Hey." Justin announced his presence with a quiet whisper.

"Hey yourself." Brian pressed his lips against Justin's, noting how tired he looked. "You almost missed a historical jerk off."

"Yeah, well, we took a little longer than I..."

"Arghhh..." Emmett finished his last Jerk at Work session with, well... not a bang, but certainly not a whimper. It was more of a bellow, actually. Applause greeted him as Ted handed him his robe and led the way to the table laden with cake, champagne and gifts.

Justin was actually just as happy to be cut off mid conversation. Brian seemed awfully interested in his schoolwork these days...and in how much he slept and ate and...it was driving Justin nuts. He knew it was simply because Brian cared, but he was acting like Justin was frail and weak, like when he first came home from the hospital. He hadn't minded it then because, frankly, he'd needed the care. But now that Justin was trying to be responsible for himself and his life, he didn't want anyone doing things for him that he should be doing for himself; not his Mom or Debbie and especially not Brian.

He felt there were times that Brian treated him like a child. He'd be nineteen pretty soon - totally a grownup. And grownups didn't let their lover's do everything for them or buy everything for them - they looked after themselves. Justin wondered briefly if a grownup would even _use_ the term grownup; somehow he doubted it. Well, the odd immature moment aside, he was a man now and if he wanted to be treated like one he had to act like one. Not that anyone else here today struck him as particularly mature. Justin smiled to himself as he observed Emmett's exuberance over the table of gifts. It was nice to see his friend so happy. He attempted to stifle a yawn as he watched the gift opening begin.

Brian tried not to appear as worried as he really was after watching Justin struggle to keep his eyes open. "Working tonight?"

Justin barely held in another yawn and nodded, "Mmm. Nine to two."

"You can hardly keep your head up." Was he really expected to say nothing about it?

Justin could only meet Brian's eyes for a second. "I'll be all right."

"The Sap'll see to that." Brian turned back to watch the unwrapping and tried to hold his temper.

Justin couldn't offer much in defense of Gary. He _had_ been giving Justin a pick me up throughout the evenings he worked; he said that tired looking dancers didn't draw tips. Justin decided he wouldn't bother to address Brian's comment and hoped the man would interpret that as Justin not dignifying it with an answer. Maybe then he'd get the hint and drop the whole thing.

"If you don't want me to give you the money, I'll loan it to you." Brian decided to try another approach.

Fuck - so much for dropping it. Justin walked back over a bit so he didn't have to raise his voice. "I don't need your handouts." How many times were they going to have this conversation? It was starting to get on his nerves and he definitely wasn't keen on having it here.

"It's not a hand out." Brian was quick to respond, though he still tried to sound casual. "When you graduate and get a real job, you can pay me back, with interest."

"No thanks."

Brian was going nuts. Justin was going to self-destruct right in front of him and the older man hated feeling that there was nothing he could do to stop it. He knew he had no right to tell his lover what to do and if he started now, then they were doomed. Brian realized that their...relationship, ugh that word again, was not the norm, even in the gay community. Justin was extremely mature and intelligent, but him being so much younger cast Brian in the role of mentor - with occasional big brother undertones. He was fine with that, and really enjoyed it at times, but he'd be damned if he'd assume the role of parent. It was too fucking creepy.

"Why are you being such a twat?" Brian's annoyance was starting to show.

So was Justin's frustration. "I'm not being a twat. I'm trying to look after myself for once instead of always letting you do it for me." He could see that Brian nodded a little, and he hoped the man would try to understand. "Look, you once told me that you wanted to make me the best homosexual it was possible for me to be." He tried once more to make Brian get it. "Doesn't that include being a man?"

"Sometimes a man knows when to accept help." Brian did understand Justin's position and respected him for it, but as mature as he was, he still had things to learn. Brian knew he wasn't going to get anywhere right now though. The kid was exhausted and in Brian's experience that just made him more contrary than usual. Most people assumed that Brian was the bad-tempered one, but the fact was, if Justin was too tired or hungry, he could make Brian look downright cheerful by comparison. Brian let it go for now. He'd run out of ideas that didn't resort to some very parental type dialogue and the thought of that completely softened his dick.

Each man resolved to say nothing more about it for the moment and turned back to receive Emmett's thanks for their gifts. The other day they had hung out in the café at the bookstore, as they often used to when there had been more time for that sort of thing. Justin had picked out a book that covered great world museums while Brian had chosen one on great world fashion houses. Emmett gushed that he'd think of them when he visited either.

The party wrapped up pretty quickly and everyone went their separate ways. As Brian drove them home, he didn't push the discussion of money or work again. Instead, he chose a topic that always had Justin in a good mood - art, naturally. "So tell me about this group project. It's really just an excuse to hang around other hot, young, artist types, isn't it."

"Why? You planning to come with me next time?"

"Probably wouldn't do me any good. I'm sure I'm far too elderly to be of interest."

"Oh I don't know. You'd be surprised how many hot young artists have a real affinity for older men." Justin smiled, glad to have Brian acting light for a change.

"You don't say." Brian continued teasing, enjoying the feeling of closeness that it brought after the strain of earlier. "Maybe there's hope for me after all."

"I've got something better than hope for you." Justin laughed and looked over slyly. "Now if you'd just let me give it to you."

Brian put his tongue in his cheek and shook his head, not bothering to reply. Justin had won this round of witty repartee. When it came to what Justin wanted to give him and why he kept refusing, Brian had no quick comeback these days. The fact was, he really had no reason to refuse. Justin was in his bed, in his life, commonly referred to as his boyfriend and - would wonders never cease - Brian liked it that way. They had a relationship that Brian was happy with and he was trying; he really was. It was just...if he let Justin fuck him it wouldn't just be fucking and they both knew it. When Brian wanted that particular itch scratched he went out and took care of it, but it wasn't the same and it didn't happen that often. Not because he didn't crave it with more frequency, but because he didn't usually do it close to home. Sometimes he might be inclined to pick out some unknowingly fortunate fag and get himself laid someplace where he didn't have to worry about his reputation as an eternal top. But with Justin...well it would just be so much more than fucking and that terrified Brian. He could even admit it to himself; that's how bad it was. And for Brian Kinney to acknowledge fear in himself...well it was no small deal. Neither was it something he wanted dwell on now. Best return the conversation to its intended topic.

"So,this project - you gonna tell me about it or do I have to guess?"

Justin hadn't really thought Brian was interested and was pleasantly surprised to be wrong. "Well, we each have to work in a different medium, but the pieces all have to be part of the same theme. I mean they have to go together and not be the same thing exactly - but...ah...never mind - it's making sense in my head but I can't explain it properly."

"I got what you meant." Brian didn't want Justin to get frustrated. "You just need a little rest and you'll feel clearer." Brian wisely refrained from lingering on that point. "So, have you agreed on a theme yet?"

Justin was grateful for the understanding. "Yeah, we did, which is great. What's not so great is that I need to have some preliminary pieces to the Professor on Monday. I tried to get an extension, since I'm working all weekend, but no luck." He shrugged. "I guess it makes sense that all of them have to be in from our group at the same time, but I don't know how I'm going to swing it."

Brian resisted the urge to say something negative, since it wouldn't do any good, and instead simply offered, "Maybe someone would switch shifts with you."

"Maybe." Justin was doubtful.

"Well, the party ended earlier than we thought." Brian pointed out. "Why don't you catch a nap before work and you can take the jeep tonight."

Justin was surprised he wasn't getting more attitude. He must not be the only one who was tired because that was the only explanation that made sense. However, he wasn't about to look a gift jeep in the...well, whatever...anyway, he was grateful. "Actually, do you mind if I take it after dropping you? I think you're right; I'll try to get out of work tonight and get caught up on some projects."

"And sleep." Brian couldn't help saying. Fearful of how concerned that made him sound he added, "Maybe then you'll be awake enough to blow me properly."

Justin was on to him as usual. "Oh really?" He laughed. "I didn't hear any complaints last night. In fact, I think what I heard was a lot of ..._oh god, oh god_."

"I was praying for you to finish." Brian tried not to smile and failed.

"Riiiight." Justin grinned and nodded. "So you aren't interested in any head later, then."

"Well now, let's not get carried away." Brian pulled up in front of the loft and came to a stop, but left it running. "It wasn't _that_ bad."

They each got out and met at the back of the jeep, Justin handing Brian his loft keys. "I'll be back soon." Justin hopped back in and pulled away from the curb.

"Good." Brian said to no one in particular as he let himself into the building.

While Justin was gone, Brian thought he had come up with a plan. All he had to do was let Justin know how wonderful he thought his art was and how important it was to Brian that Justin be able to concentrate on it. The kid would do almost anything for Brian, so if he presented it as sort of a favour to _him_, maybe it would fly. As he dried off and began to dress, he told himself that he could do this - he could. It's not like he would have trouble being sincere, if he could just manage to get the words out.

He had always been interested in Justin's work, recognizing real talent in the boy. He knew something about the art world too and although he could probably be accused of bias, he thought Justin's stuff was amazing. He had been both thrilled and relieved when the artist had recently started with some freehand charcoal and pencil drawings again. Brian bitched about posing because it was expected, but the truth was that he would sit still forever as long as it had Justin drawing like that again.

It had started when Brian woke up a couple weeks ago to find himself being sketched. When Justin had asked him to lay still just a little longer, Brian had to close his eyes again because he'd feared he might tear up. He was _that_ happy to see the kid pencil in hand and not looking miserable about it. It was something he wasn't sure he'd ever see again after the "drop out" fiasco, since after his readmission Justin had used only the computer. So Brian had lain there quietly until the youth finished, and then had asked to see it.

"Well, it's kind of just for practice, you know?" Justin had been strangely shy about handing it over.

Brian had just stared at the paper for a moment and then struggled to remain composed for the second time that morning. It was beautiful, although it wasn't just the style and form of the sketch, but the love for the subject that radiated off the page, unconsciously put there by the artist. Brian had wished he had something equally tangible to provide as demonstration of his feelings; something that allowed him to show it and not have to say it. He just...he couldn't say it. In his experience, telling someone you loved them, was like giving them a license to destroy you. Like giving them the key to your heart and soul and saying _come on in...and hurt me_.

Though he probably had more cause for trepidation, Justin wasn't afraid of saying it, but rather of making Brian uncomfortable. The older man knew this and indulged in the occasional bit of guilt over it the way only a lapsed Catholic can. And he envied Justin his alternate means of expression. The artist's emotions were embedded in any page he worked on, be it by pencil or computer stylus. They leapt off of this one, making Brian feel humbled once again to be the object of such devotion. He knew without a doubt that he wasn't worthy of it, but oh how he wanted to be.

He had struggled to sound casual, knowing no other way to communicate. "It's good, Justin." He'd smiled, put the drawing down and held his hand out. "Although the key is a good subject, of course. How about working on an action sketch now?" He raised his eyebrow, his meaning clear. The boy had glowed at the praise and now leapt onto the bed and his lover.

Brian brought his thoughts back to the present. He knew he needed to let Justin know what he really thought of his artwork if he had any chance of convincing the teen to focus only on that, and let Brian help him to do so. He watched Justin concentrating intently on the screen in front of him, oblivious to anything else around him. He always looked like that when he was creating and Brian always found it incredibly sexy. Perhaps because it reminded him that whatever Justin did - he threw his whole being into. That included loving and making love to Brian. The older man had obviously had innumerable tricks, but no lover. Well, not really - not until Justin. It wasn't only the frequency of the sex between them that allowed it to become so good; it was because Justin approached it with such passion. Not just sexual passion, but a passion for life. If he felt strongly about something, he was always willing to jump into it with both feet and damn the consequences. Brian envied him it - that lack of fear. Actually, that wasn't quite right. He knew first hand that Justin could be afraid; he'd held him too many times when he had been. Maybe what he envied the boy was his ability to feel the fear and then do it anyway.

He came up behind Justin to see what he was drawing and got his attention by kissing his jaw. The kid was a little distracted, but he smiled. Brian sat down next to him and looked over what Justin had been working on. The artist had been at his computer ever since he got back from wherever. Brian had run on the treadmill, taken a shower, and then gotten ready to go out. He hadn't disturbed Justin until now, however he felt it was a decent time for an interruption. As he looked over the various pieces spread out, he picked up one that he felt drawn to. It was abstract, but something about the lines of it appealed to Brian. It looked like they were chaos trying desperately to sort itself into order. He could relate.

"This one's not bad." Pitiful, Kinney, just pitiful. Even you can do better than that.

Justin picked it up and gave it another perusal. "Thanks."

Brian tried again. "Maybe we'll even hang it."

"Really?" Predictably, Justin's face lit up.

Oh God - there it was. That beautiful smile was so easy to get, really; why didn't he try to do so more often? "Then you can tell everybody you're hung." Brian couldn't resist a kiss.

"I already do."

That little smirk was pretty cute too. Brian would be willing to bet the brat wasn't kidding about the statement. Well, why not -it was the truth.

"How'd you get the night off?" Brian had been surprised that he'd got someone to switch at the last minute.

Justin cleared his throat. "I told the boss I had to finish a project."

Brian, with his unlit cigarette hanging between his lips, said lightly. "That was easy." Too easy, he suspected.

"Mm hmm." Justin looked at Brian for a moment. "Told you I could handle it."

Brian gave him a little pinch as he got up. "Smart ass."

Justin decided that given Brian's apparent good mood, it was safe to tell the rest of it. He cleared his throat again nervously. "In fact, he said I could have the whole weekend if I just went to some after hours party at his house."

Brian sat down and started pulling on his boots. "For what?"

"Mmm..." Justin shrugged. "Wants some pretty boys for decoration."

Brian didn't like the sound of that and his face reflected it. "Who else is gonna be there?"

"How should I know?" Justin didn't really want to let on that he didn't get it either. "His friends?"

"I can imagine what kind of friends he has." Brian suddenly flashed to his trip to the zoo with Lindsay and Gus, and pictured the reptile enclosure. "And I can guess what kind of party he's having. That guy's a fuckin' sleaze."

Justin felt weird enough about it already and Brian's disapproval didn't do much for his morale. It made him defensive. "You don't know him."

He was actually attempting defend that trashy fuck? Did he think Brian was stupid? He put his cigarette back behind his ear and stood up. "I know how you got to dance on the bar." He realized they had a silent agreement not to discuss that, but Brian was sick of watching Justin become someone he wasn't.

He hadn't been expecting that. He turned to face Brian. "I let him blow me." He strove for nonchalance. "Big deal."

Brian let out a breath of frustration and shook his head. He walked towards Justin, wondering what had happened to his great plan to get the kid to listen to reason? He tried one more time. "I'll give you five thousand dollars."

"What for?" Justin turned to face him again.

Brian met his gaze, willing him to understand. "That drawing." He thought to himself... _Try to get this...your art means something to me..._ **you** _mean something to me...just let me do this — please_... But he said none of it.

Justin turned back to look at the drawing Brian had admired. God, he just wouldn't give up "It's not for sale."

Brian stared at him for a moment and then shifted his eyes away. He officially had no idea what to do anymore. "No...just you." He grabbed his coat and walked out in search of large quantities of alcohol.

As Justin heard the door slide closed, he was still reeling from Brian's comment. Not because it was so harsh, which admittedly it was, but because it felt so true - and he hated it. Anything to do with Gary made his skin crawl, but he needed the money and couldn't afford to anger him. He shook it off and returned his attention to his artwork. It, as always, was able to take his mind off things...for awhile.

This was definitely a new low. Brian had actually been reduced to discussing his relationship with Ted. Well, more accurately, Ted dispensed unwanted advice and unsolicited commentary while Brian simply didn't stop him. He just sat there wishing he'd never complained about it in the first place.

"Hey...don' get me wrong...I think it's great you wanna pay for the li'l nippers education, but c'mon Brian - you gotta know why he doesn't want you to." Ted held up his empty glass and signalled the waiter for another round of doubles. Their eigth - he thought. Actually, he'd lost count.

"Do tell, oh Swami Schmidt." Brian thought he knew already, but whatever - maybe he'd missed something and he was willing to try anything at this point. He had even, in one truly desperate moment, considered telling Jennifer Taylor and begging her intervention. In other words he, a thirty-year-old man, was planning to go to his live-in-lover's mom and _tell on him_? Fucking sad; and it proved that there were actually worse ideas than listening to Ted. Speaking of whom...

"...an' he's a great kid...in spite of the company he keeps." Ted laughed at his own joke. "But he already lives with you rent free, you buy him shit all the time and I just don't see him as the kinda person who likes to owe anybody..."

"I'm not jus anybody!" Brian interrupted - frustration evident in his tone. "I'm..." He paused and struggled for the right words and realized that he'd just repeated what Justin said to him not so long ago, when he'd tried to convince Brian to make love without a condom. "Well, he should know he wouldn't owe me. It's only money; it doesn't mean anything to me."

Justin did though; Ted knew and didn't say. "I get that, Brian. I do, n' for the record, though you're still a prick, you're a very generous one." Ted searched around for his train of thought, it having momentarily derailed.

"Is there a point here somewhere?"

Good question...ah... there it was... "My _point_, is that maybe the money does mean something to him." Ted suspected it would mean something to Brian too, if it were he that had to accept it. Ted had been around long enough to observe Brian in some pretty sticky situations and he'd never once seen the man ask for help. "You know why they say it's better to give than to receive, don't you? Not cause it's so much nobler to give, but because it's so much easier on the pride."

Brian couldn't really disagree with that. Instead of answering however, he downed the remainder of one glass and started on the next. He'd intended to get good and drunk tonight when he left the loft after basically calling Justin a whore. He felt shitty about ten different ways over having said it, but he wasn't exactly willing to take it back either. And the fact that Justin hadn't defended himself meant he knew Brian was right. He understood the kid's probable rationale: that taking money from Brian was whoring himself too - just to Brian. The thing was... it wasn't _like_ that. In a way, Justin was a part of him and Brian really would be happy to see Justin succeeding at something he loved. Too bad he hadn't been able to sell it to him like that.

Ted finally interrupted their temporary and reasonably companionable silence. "Well, look at it this way - at least you _have_ someone to bitch and worry about, y'know? I don't have anyone." He sat there a moment, trying to decide how sorry to feel for himself. "Michael's got Ben; you've got Justin..."

Brian snickered because he didn't really have Justin right now. He barely saw the kid and when he did they only had time for fucking or fighting, or some weird combination of the two. Even though they rarely talked about it, each was aware of the other's opinion and it all made for quite a storm under the surface of what little time they were able to spend together.

Ted shook his head over Brian and Justin too, then sipped his drink and continued his thought. "...Even Emmett has George for Cris'sake. How come everyone's got someone excep' me?"

He hoped Ted really wanted to know, because people had a habit of asking Brian questions and then being annoyed when he told them the truth. He didn't get that. "The reason you don't have a boyfriend is because you don' want one." Brian pulled his smoke from behind his ear and prepared to light up.

"I don't?" Ted was confused.

"If you had one, it would challenge the well-established opinion you have of yourself as a worthless sack of shit that nobody wants. Therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you..." Brian tried again to light his cigarette. "...and you stand around here and bitch like a high-school girl..." He scowled at the lighter as he took the cigarette from his lips. "...when, in fact you've gotten exactly what you want...mainly...nothing" Brian had finally given up on the smoke for the moment and turned back to the scotch. He clinked his glass against a preoccupied Ted's and downed it.

Ted watched as Brian once again struggled with his lighter and wondered how they were going to get home. They were both far too fucked up to drive. Too bad that wasn't the reason Ted suspected Brian was right. "Thank you, Dr. Kinney. You've saved me years of therapy, not to mention several thousand dollars." He raised his glass to salute the apt diagnosis.

Michael seemed to blow in out of nowhere and added his bitching to the evening. "She hit me!" Michael sounded outraged. "My mother fucking hit me."

Ted didn't see the big deal. "She's always hitting you."

"It's how she shows her affection." Brian agreed.

"I mean for real." He insisted.

Ted looked surprised, but Brian knew both Michael and Deb too well not to figure there was a good reason behind it. "Well what did Mikey do?" He gave Michael a little shove.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Riiiight. Ted and Brian looked at each other waiting. Ted called it: three, two... "I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag hating cop." And it began.

After he'd yacked, sat in the shower for 45 minutes and sobered up a bit, Justin realized how very lucky he had been to get out of there with no more than an unpleasant high. Brian had been right, as usual. God, that sucked. Well, at least he'd gotten out of it on his own. Justin knew he'd broken Gary's cap, but wished he hadn't been so fucked up as to miss the expression on the guy's face. What an asshole.

Still, it did put Justin out of a job. A job he loathed, of course, but had needed desperately. He knew now he'd have no choice but to go to Brian. He knew, too, that Brian wouldn't make a big deal out of it. It was just...well, Justin simply preferred it when he was the one giving the help. Not that Brian ever acknowledged it as such. Like when Justin had convinced Michael not to give up on Brian's friendship, or when he had comforted Brian over the issue of Gus and his parental rights. Justin had felt needed then. The Kip thing, too - although Brian didn't know about that. When they had both tried to heal after Justin's bashing, it was a toss up which of them had needed the other the most. But it didn't matter - it wasn't about keeping score. It was...huh...it wasn't about keeping score? Fuck! He was a great big hypocrite. It _wasn't_ about keeping score and that's what Brian had been trying to tell him. A man would be able to figure that out...eventually. Well, better late than never. What he needed to do now was go to bed, despite the early hour; well, early for a Friday, and then he'd get up and get some work done. He kind of hoped Brian wouldn't wake him when he came in. He didn't really want to deal with that particular discussion until the morning.

When Justin awoke ten hours later it was nine o'clock, the sun was shining, and there was no sign of Brian. He got up and checked the machine. Fuck, he must have really been out if he didn't hear the ring. He clicked play. Brian's voice, a distinct slur to it, filled the loft. "Hey - you're still at that stupid thing? Fuck. Well I'm not gonna make it home...you can yell at me later. Although, I can promise you that the likelihood of my getting laid, is negligible at best. Anyway I'm fine, little Miss Worrywart, an' I'll see you in the morning. Get some fuckin' sleep for cris'sake." Justin could hear what sounded suspiciously like an argument between Michael and Ted and then he could hear Brian talking as he hung up the phone... "I don' see how that counts as my call when he isn't even home..."

Huh? He must be seriously tanked. Sounds like the boys had gotten themselves ridiculously drunk and probably all crashed at Michael and Emmett's. It wasn't the first time that had happened and, recalling the immaturity jokes he was often target of, Justin revelled in referring to the practice as their "sleep-over parties". Although he had no problem when Brian was with the boys overnight, he usually put on a bit of a pout anyway, since Brian had a delightful way of making it up to him. This morning, however, he was grateful for the extra time it bought him. He sort of dreaded talking with Brian about the loan. While he did feel better about it this morning, it still smacked a little of swallowing his pride. He hated that and worried about whether Brian would have less respect for him as a result. That was, of course, assuming he had any now.

After dropping off Ted at his car and Mikey at Ben's, Brian headed towards the loft. Fuck, he was tired. Although, he was moderately hangover free it seemed. Thank God for small favours. He'd finally got some coffee at the drive-thru - it was shit, but there was caffeine involved. He might need it depending on how annoyed Justin was with him. First the arguing, then the out all night; not good. He had decided there was nothing more he could say to Justin about school and working. He wasn't getting anywhere and it seemed to only make things worse and they were pretty bad as it was.

Speaking of bad -Michael was pretty subdued this morning compared to last night, but he'd still given that cop a lot of attitude. Brian couldn't be annoyed about the jail thing since he found it all way too funny. Besides, he'd spent worse nights. Those hospital chairs were no more comfortable than the jail bench - that's for sure. Brrr...those thoughts always made him shiver. Shake it off, Kinney.

Anyway, he was glad he'd been so drunk that he'd kind of zoned for awhile and then fell asleep. He'd only just woken up half an hour before they were released, but he didn't feel as though he'd had much rest. He didn't know what Michael and Ted had talked about all night, but he was sure it would have put him to sleep if he hadn't been already. All in all, his mission had been accomplished. He'd gotten Justin off his mind for at least a few hours. As he pulled up to the loft though, Justin was front and center in his head again. He hoped the kid wasn't pissed - Brian wasn't in the mood for a confrontation. Unless it was of a physical nature. He was always, er...up...for that.

He slid open the door to find his lover exactly as he had left him - sitting at his computer. If not for the change of clothes, Brian would swear he hadn't moved at all.

Brian, on the other hand, looked like he'd slept in his clothes. "What happened to you last night?" Justin's tone was amused rather than annoyed.

Good - it didn't sound like he was pissed off. "Don't ask."

"We have an arrangement..." As he suspected - they'd gotten drunk and passed out. Justin crossed his arms and waited.

Brian could tell his lover wasn't really mad. "Home by three, or my balls turn into pumpkins." Brian removed his boots and forgot about his night for now. "Believe me - you didn't miss a thing." He opened the fridge in search of a little 'hair of the dog' and pulled out a beer - it seemed a little early for anything else. "How was the party?"

"Oh...incredibly tedious." Justin sounded dismissive and it wasn't a put-on. He really did feel like he'd left everything about the experience behind. He'd made a bad decision and ended up in a bad situation, but he'd got himself out of it. "I left early."

"Bet the sap didn't like that." Brian was suspicious, but chose to put off pursuing it until later - after he'd had some more sleep.

"Fuck the sap." Justin gave a tiny smile and stretched. "Anyway..." He turned more serious. "I quit."

Brian looked over with interest all of a sudden, desperately thinking to himself. _Oh please let him be leading up to what it sounds like he's leading up to._

"I decided that working all night and going to school during the day was counterproductive...to my goals." Justin had made his way up the step and now stood at the foot of the bed watching Brian undress. "I need to prioritize...concentrate on my art." Justin smiled a little as he tossed Brian's words back to him. "So...I'd like to take you up on your offer...if it still stands."

Here it was, the part where Brian got to say '_I told you so_', but instead he looked under the covers and then lay back again. "It still stands."

Justin laughed in relief, pulled off his shirt and crawled up the bed to Brian. "We'll need to discuss the terms of the loan - interest...repayment schedule..." He wanted Brian to know he was taking this seriously. "...and we should have something in writing."

"Of course." Brian was not taking it seriously, but went along with it. He'd do anything if it would get the kid to let him help.

Justin knew Brian was humouring him, but it didn't matter. He'd ask Mel to draw something up, but for now he just sighed. "Mm hmm."

Brian was relieved to have that sorted and although he should probably leave well enough alone, he had to ask. "So, what made you change your mind?"

They stared into each other eyes for a moment while Justin, having no idea how the vulnerability of his expression got to Brian, debated telling his lover the truth. He'd decided for now to go with a _very_ abbreviated version of it. "A man needs to know when to ask for help."

Brian didn't know what to say to that. He could hear the sincerity in it, but smelled a story behind Justin finally coming to this conclusion. It didn't matter right now though, since he was obviously here, fine and returning to his senses. Brian was aware how hard it was for Justin to do this. On this surface it probably wouldn't seem like a big deal to most people, but he'd watched Justin fight his way back to feeling independent and capable over the last several months, and he knew how important that was to him. He hoped the boy knew that in Brian's mind, accepting help was just further proof of Justin's maturity and intelligence...and that either way, Brian was proud of him.

Without breaking their locked gaze, Justin rolled himself on top of Brian and began kissing him. He was grateful not only for Brian's help, but also for the way the man had handled it. He could have legitimately given Justin a hard time about the whole thing, but instead it appeared Justin was in for a hard time of the happy variety. For a conversation he had been really worried about, this was going extremely well. He didn't know it, but Brian was thinking almost exactly the same thing.

Brian knew that although their reasons for not saying...certain things... were different, they both used their bodies to express their feelings. He wished he could do more than that this time. Even as they kissed he searched for the right words; words he might be able to make himself say, but they eluded him again.

God, he was so hot for Justin right now. The feeling was mutual judging from the hard on that had just been freed from Justin's sweatpants. Sometimes, after an intense moment, whatever the reason for it, they would find themselves hot and hard enough that not only was foreplay not necessary, but unwelcome. This felt like just such a time and Brian reached into the bowl for a condom. He was about to open it when Justin took it from him. The boy's expression was a mix of lust and something else. Brian stared into his eyes, trying to figure it out. The youth took the package between his teeth and ripped, never breaking eye contact with Brian. He did love it when Justin rolled the condom over him, it still reminded him of the first time. He kept looking at Justin as the boy leaned in and kissed him. It felt intense, like they'd already been fucking for awhile. He needed to come with Justin - now. He knew the lube was on the bed somewhere, he'd seen it and...hey. Hey! Justin was pushing him onto his stomach. Brian turned his head and stared into Justin's eyes again, no words passing between them.

Justin had playfully tussled with him on more than one occasion in an effort to top, but he had usually been quick to acquiesce when Brian fucked him instead. This time something was different. Justin seemed really intent on getting inside Brian. Maybe more intent than Brian was on not letting him. He wasn't sure he could do this. Well, obviously he could _do it_, but he wasn't sure if he could handle being that vulnerable to Justin... because after this - to quote himself - there was no turning back. Then he considered all the times Justin had made himself vulnerable to Brian, again and again. Often in the face of rejection and pain...and Brian knew he owed him this. He suspected that some of the desire for this right now, was an effort to equalize things. He could understand that; it was what he would do. Well he'd let him, Brian decided. It could be passed off as doing it for Justin, to make him feel better about the situation, but Brian was too honest with himself not to admit that he wanted this. He'd wanted it...fantasized about it...for some time and now he was ready to do it. Well, as ready as he'd ever be. Justin kissed him again and this time Brian allowed himself to be rolled on his stomach.

As he settled the pillow under his arms he noted that Justin had obviously found the lube. Christ, his fingers felt so good... scissoring in unexpected directions...making sure Brian was ready. It had been a while since he'd actually been fucked, but they sometimes played with toys, so the stretch wasn't that bad. And as he'd told Justin, that little pain was a part of it...and Brian was looking forward to it.

He laid his head down on his arms as he felt Justin get in position. Brian reminded himself to relax and just focus on the physical sensations...and try to not dwell on the psychological ones. He felt the initial pressure and pinch, then... the head of Justin's cock slipped past the first ring of muscle. There was a brief pause and then Justin he pushed all the way in with one stroke. Brian felt himself arch up into Justin involuntarily.

After a moment that seemed to last forever, Brian felt his body give in. He didn't want to speak just yet; he was afraid of what might come out of his mouth. And just when he thought he might have to give some direction, Justin began to move. He thrust slowly and deliberately and Brian was surprised anew with different angles and depths as Justin searched for the best one. God...this was good. Anytime Brian got fucked it was with a trick who didn't know him, let alone give a shit about his feelings. Despite having no experience actually fucking Brian, Justin did have plenty of experience fucking, not to mention a good teacher. And Justin loved him...it showed in every touch...every kiss.

Brian was only vaguely aware of letting out a low moan, but he was definitely aware that Justin's patience had paid off. He'd just found that spot. That spot that drove Brian nuts...made him want to scream and cry and beg...make declarations of love and...Christ...it _did_ almost drive him nuts because it was right on that border between pleasure and pain. The place where you don't know whether you want it to stop or go on forever. Jesus - he couldn't believe how close he was to coming. He ground his dick into the bed and wondered how was the kid able to keep that steady pace. That crap about eighteen-year-olds having no stamina was just that - crap. In all fairness, your average eighteen-year-old was not having as much sex as Justin and thus had no opportunity to learn control. Justin had clearly been practicing. One touch to his dick and Brian knew he'd be undone. He did want it to go on forever, but that tightening in his balls dictated otherwise. He felt Justin bite him and reach for his dick at the same time. It was too much and... "Justinnn..." Brian groaned out his orgasm. He'd come hard enough to see stars and he could feel Justin's cock twitching it's own release.

He felt utterly depleted now. He couldn't move to save his life. As he faded into sleep, he tried, but couldn't remember what he'd imagined Justin being inside him would be like, but the reality made Brian feel beyond good.

Brian had finally rolled over and Justin didn't know why he was being so insistent about this now.. Well...actually maybe he did know. It wasn't about changing the dynamic of the relationship, it wasn't about control, and it definitely wasn't about him wanting to top all the time, because he was always desperate to feel Brian inside him. What it _was_ about, was proving to Brian and to himself that he was his partner, that he wasn't just someone to be looked after, but someone strong and worthy of Brian's love.

With these thoughts running through his head, he slicked lube over Brian's hole and wiggled first one, then two fingers inside him. It wasn't the first time he had done that and Brian was tight, as always. After a moment Justin figured it was now or never. He positioned himself and then eased slowly into his lover... Oh God...it was better than he ever imagined it would be. You know - logically you think well...they're all hot and tight - it's pretty much the same with your eyes closed. But it wasn't. Not with Brian. He was just...perfect...this was perfect..._they_ were perfect.

He had one hand against Brian's hip, stroking lightly - he knew the older man was sort of nervous about this, though he'd never say. It didn't take long for him to relax enough for Justin to move. He hadn't jerked off this morning and he'd been ready to do this as soon as Brian took his clothes off. That combined with the emotion of the situation made it all so intense that his first instinct was to pound into him. However, he wanted Brian to love this as much as Justin loved him, so he waited, regained some control, and then began to thrust.

Brian didn't move at first, but after a while, he began to match Justin's movements. He alternated between short and deep thrusts, trying to find the spot that would make Brian crazy, but it wasn't until Justin thought he wasn't going to be able to that Brian gave a small gasp. The man hadn't said anything at all to Justin, but he could feel Brian tense, and he reached behind to grip the younger man's leg. Justin smiled and thrust once more, but with a little bit more speed, and Brian cried out again. The rhythm set, Justin wrapped his arms around his lover, his hands against Brian's chest, and started kissing and licking neck and shoulders.

Brian's moans became louder, and Justin kept up the same even pace. He smiled as he felt Brian grind back against him - seeking that ultimate closeness. He knew that sensation...when you just can't seem to get your lover far enough inside you...you can't seem to get close enough...and you squirm for just a little bit more contact. And he was making Brian feel that way. He was the one that caused those jarring, guttural moans every time he hit that magic spot.

When he bit Brian's neck and gave one last, long thrust, moving his hands down to grab the straining cock, The older man lost it, calling out his lover's name. Justin felt Brian shoot over his hands, and finally allowed his own body to let go deep inside Brian.

Fuck, he came so hard he felt dizzy, but Justin cleared his head after a minute and moved off his lover and to the side. "Brian? You okay?"

"Mmm..." Came an attempt at response.

"Brian?"

Justin leaned over as he removed the condom and saw that Brian had gone right to sleep. He smiled in pleasure and wonder, just staring at the man's peaceful form for a few moments. "I made Brian Kinney pass out." Okay, okay...so the man was clearly already exhausted, but still - it counted. "Awesome! I made Brian Kinney pass out. I _rock_."

"Mmmm... rock a little more quietly, would you?" Came a muffled voice from deep in Brian's pillow.

"Ah, man..." Justin was a little disappointed. "I thought you were out."

"Yeah - me too. I wonder why I'm not." Brian would've liked a little sleep before dealing with any further exuberance, but oh well. And he was secretly amused by Justin's reaction; it was pretty cute and Brian loved it. That is...he...what the fuck - yeah - he loved it.

"Sorry." Justin kissed Brian's shoulder and the man rolled over to look at him.

"It's okay. I'll have an afternoon nap instead... like all the old men."

Justin thought of Gus. "And babies."

"Oh good, then you'll be joining me. Brian poked the younger man's side.

"Ha ha." Justin hated age jokes almost as much as Brian did. He looked at him and said seriously, "Thanks."

"I'm glad to lend you the money." Brian was being deliberately obtuse. "Now maybe we can get back to a decent fuck schedule."

"Not for that." Justin smiled at him. "Was it okay?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "What do you think?"

"I think it was amazing." Justin was still being serious. "Why now?" Although he suspected he knew.

"Give me a break." Brian had no choice but to make light. It was all he knew. "I just didn't feel like doing all the work. I'm exhausted - you caught me at a weak moment." He smiled though.

"I see. Well, I feel just terrible about taking advantage of you then." Justin laughed. "Actually, I thought it was because you wanted to see if all your training had paid off."

" I heard the complimentary rumours - so I thought it was time for a little test."

"And?"

Brian gave a wide grin. "Somebody's bucking for teacher's pet."

Justin made that cute little face where he was trying not to laugh and his nose got all crinkled. He was pretty pleased with himself and Brian was glad. He was pretty pleased too and he ran his hand through Justin's hair as the boy put his head down on Brian's chest.

"You wanna go for breakfast in a bit?" Justin was starting to get hungry.

"Didn't you eat?"

"Yeah, but I could eat again."

Brian grinned and shook his head. "Of course you could. Stupid question." He'd move soon, but right now he wanted to lie here another minute and just...bask. It was silly, but he couldn't help it. He was relieved that Justin pursued no further conversation about this recent turn of events. He knew Justin was aware that the most of the time, the less said the better. He usually let Brian off pretty easy discussion wise.

As they lay there together, Brian wondered briefly if Justin might want to top all the time, but dismissed the thought as ridiculous. He knew how much the young man loved the feel of Brian's cock inside him...pleasing him...owning him. He might want to do this again later though - it was still a novelty. But Brian didn't mind; he'd enjoyed it too. What the fuck - it wasn't like they were keeping score.


End file.
